Princess Celestia is Illuminati
by Strange Occurances
Summary: After conducting immense research, Twilight discovers that Princess Celestia is in a notorious secret society. She decides to tell Spike about her latest revelation, to the poor dragon's dismay.


Spike walked down the stairs to witness countless papers and books strewn across the wooden floor of the Golden Oak Library. The lone plant in the center lied on the ground among the them. Twilight maniacally walked from one bookshelf to the other, sometimes taking one of the remaining books from a bookshelf, flipping through the pages and rush back to the wooden table in the middle of the room to write stuff down on a notepad. Her mane was disheveled, she stayed up all night doing Celestia knows what.

The baby dragon witnessed the horror of the scene before him. "What are you doing Twilight?"

Twilight turned to acknowledge Spike, her eyes were bloodshot. At this point Spike was worried about his friend. Twilight leaned towards Spike and whispered into his ear. "Spike, I just discovered something big."

"Why are you whispering?" Spike asked.

"Because I'm not supposed to know."

"Know what?"

"Princess Celestia is in the Illuminati."

"So that's what you've been researching," Spike looked at the books and papers scattered at the ground along with Twilight's disheveled mane.

"Do you want to know how I figured it out?" asked Twilight as a smile formed on her face, combined with the bloodshot eyes, it made her look insane.

"Uh, no," Spike didn't want to see Twilight prance around in the morning, making disturbing statements like a lunatic.

"I'm going to tell you anyway! Oh wait, before I tell you, I suggest wearing sunglasses because shit is about to get real sunny."

Spike sighed as he placed his tiny hand on his forehead. "Here we go."

The song Mind Heist started to play in Twilight's head as she was about to reveal Princess Celestia's biggest secret.

"Princess Celestia, she controls the sun. Sun, praise the sun, Dark Souls. Dark Souls has nine letters in its name. Spike, do you know what else has nine letters in its name?"

Spike stared into the ceiling to think of an answer. "Uhhhhhhh..."

"That's right! A marsupial. Marsupials are an infraclass of mammals that live primarily in Australasia and the Americas."

"Australasia?" Spike got a confused look on his face. "That exists?"

"Yes, it does, now let me get to the point! A well known marsupial is a kangaroo. Kangaroo, Kangaroo Jack. Do you know what else rhymes with Kangaroo Jack?"

"Applejack?" Spike guessed.

"NO! It's obviously Sonora lac! Sonora lac is secreted by a scale living on twigs of certain Mexican shrubs. It's used locally as medicine. Medicine, disease, Ebola. Ebola is found in Africa. Zecora is a zebra, which is also found in Africa. Does Zecora have Ebola? Probably. Ebola has five letters, Celestia has eight letters."

"Let me guess, eight minus five is three, there are three sides on a triangle, so Illuminati confirmed."

"Woah, woah, slow down Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown, Lucy, football, Super Bowl, Patriots, Deflategate, Tom Brady. Tom Brady has eight letters in his name, Celestia is also eight letters. Is Princess Celestia really Tom Brady? Does this have anything to do with the Illuminati?"

"Um, no it doesn't, and you're not making any sense!" Spike's eyes squinted at the purple alicorn.

"Um, yes it does, it has a lot to do with the Illuminati! Let me explain! Eight plus eight is sixteen, the word Otolaryngologist has sixteen letters, Otolaryngologists diagnose and manage diseases of the ears, nose, sinuses, larynx, mouth, and throat, as well as structures of the neck and face. I whispered in your ear when I first told you of this, so I probably gave you Ebola, Twilight Sparkle has fifteen letters in its name, Ebola has five letters, and fifteen minus five is ten, Princess Luna has twelve letters, twelve minus ten is two, Princess Luna has two eyes, her sister Princess Celestia also has two eyes and two divided by two is one, there is one eye in the Illuminati so," Twilight took a deep breath to recover. "Princess Celestia is Illuminati confirmed!"

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say," Spike covered his face with his hands.

Twilight leaned towards Spike, looking down at him with her bloodshot eyes. "Do you want me to prove that _you're_ in the Illuminati?!"

"I'm not in the Illuminati Twilight."

"Oh really?! Let's find out! Spike, Spike is a dragon. You know what else is a dragon?"

"Oh Celestia, help me," said Spike as at this point, he started to walk back up the stairs.

"That's right! Saphira! Saphira is blue, you know what else is blue?!"

Spike continued to march up the stairs, he wanted to get back to sleep.

"That's right, Rainbow Dash is also blue! Is Rainbow Dash a dragon?!" Twilight became cross eyed as she stumbled forth into insanity. Princess Celestia stepped into the room to witness her student's downfall. Two soldiers of the Royal Guard stood by her side. "I don't know!" Twilight continued yelling like a maniac. "Rainbow Dash is fast! You know what else what else rhymes with fast?!"

"How about shut up at last!" Celestia pointed her hoof directly at Twilight. "Take her away!" The two guards grabbed Twilight and dragged her towards the exit of the Golden Oak Library.

"I'LL EXPOSE YOU!" Twilight boomed as she struggled to break free from the grip of the two guards. "I ALREADY KNOW YOUR SECRET, SOON EVERYPONY WILL!"

"That's what you think," Celestia grew a malicious smile.


End file.
